Sunday, April 6, 2014

Notes to self -- Jotting down general thoughts and sharing them with you.

In dealing with others, especially those closest to me, I am doing and learning. 

Think before I speak, ask yourself is it worth it!

Practice self care go to support groups, therapy and positive fellowship it is going to help you move forward and keep it green. It will be a daily reminder of acceptance, prayer, meditation and doing things differently.

Remind your self everyday that some are sicker than others, but I have a choice on whether I want to engage in the sickness or stay on the healthy path to recovery.

It is better to ignore with grace than to react with anger which will only create chaos and conflict.

Remember back then you did not know what you know now.
Things are different believe it or not. I’m different, my behaviors are different. And it does not matter if those around me are not, I am. And I can make a difference in the outcome.

I will not be the blame. I will not be held responsible. And only I can control that by setting healthy boundaries.

Do not expect, demand or wish for understanding, agreement, nor pity.

Accept things for what they are, have the courage to change the things that I can and look for understanding where others share their experience, strength and hope.

Remove yourself from the negative, engage in the positive.

Keep your expectations of others low and yours high.

Never scream, latch out, and throw daggers nor use sarcasm, that only makes things worst.

You have no point to prove because that is nearly impossible to do with toxic people.

Keep the peace. It is better that way.

Go to your meetings.
Go to support groups.
Build a strong support network.
Most importantly never give up on myself.



Saturday, December 14, 2013

Holding on to my voice.

When I was battling alcoholism and untreated mental illness my opinions and feelings were not taken seriously or were considered unacceptable. The thing with that is that even when I got sober and began healing, the things I had to say were still not validated. Those around me got use to me not speaking up for myself or when I did, I was shunned and asked “are you okay? Or did you take your medication today?"

Well, apparently some peoples view on me speaking up has not changed much over the years. I still struggle with speaking up and having a voice, difference now is that I still do it anyway.
Sometimes, I am even bold enough to tell them, that "what I say matters and if they don’t like it, it is their opinion, just as I have mine." That’s a shell shocker for them, and by them, I mean those closest to me. Yes, it’s always the one’s who are closest to you.

One of the things that has been difficult for me is to say NO. When asked to do something, go somewhere, contribute to something or maybe even say “no, I don’t agree.” it has always been challenging for me. Although, I still struggle with it, I am getting better at saying “no,” sadly it often comes with a confrontation, another thing I suck at. But, I am saying it more and the end result for me after a bit of anxiety is that I feel proud of myself. 

Bottom line is, I am worthy of having my own opinions and feeling about things. My choices matter, my voice matters, even if it doesn't to anyone else, it matters to me and using it is just as important as anyone else’s.

How comfortable are you when speaking up for yourself?

Do you struggle with finding your voice and expressing what is important to you?

Is it hard for you to say no?


Sunday, December 8, 2013

The night I thought my boyfriend was going to kill me and I almost killed my stepfather

Okay, I'm going to attempt to make this a funny post. Because the truth is, I can easily make it into a dark and dreary one. 

I was drunk as a skunk one evening, well, many evening's during that time of my life. But this particular one was different, it was the night I informed my then boyfriend that I was breaking up with him. He handled it just as I thought he would, this is what he said to me “I won't let you leave me, try and you will regret it."  
Well, I certainly was not sleeping in my home alone that night. So I did what any good drunken girl who feared for her life would and should do. I went to my mother's. 

There it was the good old sofa near the wide open window, on a hot muggy night, in a non air-conditioned family room, perfect. It had been my pass out couch many hot, drunken nights; I decided to sleep naked on this one with a light sheet to cover me.

Later, at about three am I was awakened by the sound of what sounded like a gun shot outside of my window. Scary as you can imagine, but even scarier was the sound of the locks to my mother's front door being opened minutes later.

I knew everyone was home my mom, my sister and brother, so I had no choice but to jump to the conclusion that the man I feared was breaking in to my mother’s home. I thought "That's him coming in to kill me and that was his warning shot." Seconds later I heard someone enter, I ran to the door and jumped on my attacker, fiercely kicking and scratching him. Basically, I was not going down without a fight. All of a sudden lights went on, I heard my mother scream "what's going on!"  I see my mom and sisters face fluttered with fear and my brother standing in a karate position, one which he had learned earlier that week in his martial arts class, fitting for the moment I'd say. I looked up and saw my stepfather with eyes of terror and a bloody face. I released him, and then I look at myself, completely naked from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

Shortly after my mother tossed me a blanket and as I came to from the shock and embarrassment, my mother explained to me that earlier that day my step dad moved in and she gave him his own set of keys. The reason why he was coming in so late in the night was because he was returning from dropping someone of at the airport.

That was twenty one years ago, today I am a sober woman and my mother and step dad are happily married. I will never ever forget, and I’m pretty sure neither will he, how I welcomed him into our family. 



Monday, November 11, 2013

It was a good run, but now it’s back, depression – Chasing it away with self care.

I had a good run, I really did, but now the grayness is once again leaning towards me, leaving me frightened that the darkness will settle. I have not felt this way in quite a while. This past summer was a good one, so was the beginning of fall, lot’s of changes took place which I embraced positively. I even manage to get my laptop fixed and finally purchase internet service, which was a drag because there were no towers available in my area; low and behold I am plugged in thanks to those hot spot USB devices.

And now, here I am battling this melancholic feeling that I am all too familiar with although, I was almost certain it would remain in the past. It is indeed, a reminder that although it is not who I am, it is still a part of me and will always be. My depression will come and go, sometimes go for long periods of time to the point where I get comfortable as well as complacent, my usual routines go out the window, self care is placed in the back burner and meditation along with spirituality is a thing of the past. All a big No, No, I may as well have a ticker time bomb attached to me.

I have a plan which I am hoping to implement as soon as possible. I have learned through out the years that although depressive disorder is part of me I don’t have to entertain it; there are things I can do to lessen it and put it to rest. Exercise is also a part of me and when I don’t do it I begin to whittle away, so I will make it a point to re-join the local gym and make use of my membership, I will also start to practice my prayer and mediation again, along with attending my Ala-non 12 step (family and friends of alcoholics) meetings which sadly I have stopped going. In other words, I will practice self care with the goal of evading the darkness and preventing it from settling.

 Are there any self care routines that you have not practiced lately, which you would like to get back into? What kind of things do you do that make you feel better?


Monday, August 19, 2013

Resentments - Do we ever truly let them go?

I wonder if we ever truly get rid of resentments or, if we learn how not to let them affect us the way they once did, almost making it seem as if they no longer exist.  That is until something someone say's or does triggers those well kept resentments, and then BOOM! You're floating in an ocean of horrible memories, swimming to save your life once again.

I find for myself this tends to happen more with my mother, as it recently did. And although, I love her, she has a way of bringing out in me things that I was certain, were no longer a hindrance in my mind and heart. Leave it to good ole' mom she can actually make things I crumbled, burned and tossed in the incinerator, come back to life.

It's so darn easy to say "let it go, move on" Hell, I've said that plenty to myself and others. I think it's better to say "practice letting it go." Yes, practice until the pain lessens, and if the resentment comes back, full speed, straight ahead, practice some more.

For we are not perfect, but we can still move positively forward in life, while practicing the art letting go.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Hole Prevention and Slithering Vipers.

My illness is doing push ups this week. Luckily, I have it under control. Ha! "Control" good one!

Do you, we, or I ever really have it under control?

It seems to me, that's when coping skills come into play. I've learned how to cope in a healthy manner, in which I keep myself from spiraling down into a hole. I'll call it "hole prevention" yes, that sounds good for now.

You see, that is the thing about my depression, I just never know. It is like a slithering viper, camouflaged, quietly hissing beneath the dirt and grass, waiting for a vulnerable moment to attack.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Emotionally stable in an unstable life - thoughts and thinking some more.

Thought - "Oh gosh, things are so far from perfect."

Moving along....and still thinking, now, about how my online community helps me keep it together.Writing, reading, sharing my thoughts, or feelings helps me get through the day. When reading other blogger's posts and comments whether on here, FB or twitter I gain knowledge and strength.

To think I have been staying connected through my phone because I can't afford to fix a minor issue with my laptop nor get my wifi going, so this little gadget is my outlet and my source of inspiration along with my bible.

I am grateful that these past few months I have been able to keep my emotions stable although, my personal life is unstable. Let me not forget to mention my weekly support groups, they also help keep me grounded. Oh, suspense thriller novels too, thank you John Grisham and James Patterson.

So many things I'd like to write about in the near future, one of which is on the topic of "disassociative episodes"  I think I have experienced a few in the past, so I am anxious to learn more about them and exactly what they are. Hopefully, I will be able to get a sufficient amount of  computer time at the library and do research so that I can share my  findings with you.

In the meantime, as always, I am happy to be connected with you.

What gives you strength and helps you stay emotionally stable?

Do you know what a disassociate episode is? Have you ever experienced one?


How was your day today?  :-))

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Uncertain, resilient with hope.

Uncertainty is a part of life, but for me it has been a defected roller coaster of non stop uncertainties, such as not knowing what's going to happen from one minute to the next. I can't say it's any different now (Well maybe a bit better, a tiny bit) but, what I can say is that unlike the past, I feel more stable in facing them.

What I mean is, I feel more confident and capable of handling what ever comes my way. My level of fear lessens as my hope continues to rise. Hope of challenges being met with resilience and ultimately overcome them with grace.

Lately, I've had the memory of that young girl staring at the bathroom mirror with a face smeared of lipstick and mascara stained, teared clouded eyes. A lost girl, an angry girl, a hopeless girl. I'm not her anymore, and although the memory pains me, I have grown. That girl was full of expectations that were crushed and certain of outcomes that never came to be.

Today my expectations are realistic and my uncertainties accepted. My faith has broadened and I have a box full of tools that help guide me.

How do you handle uncertainty?

Friday, June 28, 2013

Reflecting, progress - Untreated mental illness.

Tonight, after a well intended bonding afternoon with my daughter turned argumentative, I began  thinking of all the things my mental illness's has taken away from me and even those around me. It has taken relationships, family, jobs, hope, opportunities and more. I sit here on my bed tonight reflecting and a bit saddened by my past, but let me assure you, not defeated.

I've heard it said that its okay to think of our difficult past's just as long as we don't allow it to dictate our present or future, so I guess I'm having a few non dictatorial moment's. In these, I  remember how ill I was, I also grieve for the many loses that my untreated mental illness contributed to. But, these moments also make me stronger, they help me continue fighting and caring for myself.

I've lost enough! Hell, it's even safe to say I've destroyed, but I can also say I am now gaining and creating.
Every single time I attend therapy, take medication as prescribed, talk about mental health related issues, listen and read others experiences, I build a defense against regress.
I remind myself that I cannot change my pass nor the hurt I caused, but I can certainly strive for a better today. 

I am not cured, I have made progress, that is huge, although others will not commend me for it, I must always be proud. I have an illness and when untreated it can be dangerous for me. I am however not my illness, Many don't understand this, but it is extremely important that I do.

As I'm finishing this post, I got a tweet from a fellow blogger Tina, over at  she tweeted " you are strong, remember that."  That was a feel good moment, because that is part of the process for progress, inspiring and supporting one another. :-))

What helps you move forward and continue progress?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Achieving some sense of mental stability - Depression.

I and those closest to me are noticing that I am less depressed than usual, despite the fact that I still have ongoing challenges in my life. It has not always been easy for me to feel or be this way, often times a struggle that I would not wish on anyone. But, I have put a lot of work into getting  better.

First, it had to start with me and my choices. Again, not easy, takes time and it helps to have a "not giving up" attitude and realize how worthy I am of getting better. Self care is a huge such as, keeping my appointments and having healthy me time has been essential in not having that depressive cloud constantly following me around.

It is liberating to feel some sense of normality within me, my body and brain. I plan on continuing this journey and hopefully deal the best I can with any obstacle's that may come my way, I don't want to lose what I have been working so hard for. Having mental and emotional stability is priceless.

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