A humorous moment with my doctor - Medication, diagnosis and humor.

I went to see my doctor two weeks ago and he gave me good news, he told me I was currently on remission from at least four out of five of my diagnosis, which is pretty cool. And yes, you did not read wrong, four out of five, that's right. Anyhow, besides the good news, I informed him how I have not been sleeping well at night, and although, I know my doctor is not quick to write out prescriptions for me, due to my history with alcoholism, under the circumstances I took a chance. 

Now, the funniest thing happened during our little talk, as long as I've known my doctor, I think it's been a little over 12 years, well, it seems we have reached that physician to patient comfort level, because  when I asked him to write me a prescription for my insomnia, he was so funny, he turned to me and said, "look, Ms. O'Sullivan you are already on a shit load of medication, and I am not comfortable giving you anything else," I thought that was hilarious, I never heard my doctor use such language, he certainly caught me off guard. We then both laughed, as I turned to him and said "Dr. do you realize you just said a shit load of medication?"  It was a humorous moment.

After further discussing my mental health status, I accepted his unique  response to my request and as I walked out the door, I gave it one more shot, "doctor, considering the shit load of diagnoses that I have, are you sure, you won't reconsider."  

How comfortable are you with your mental health related doctor or general physician?  

Am I depressed today or just laid back, relaxing? Falling into a depression or not?

At one point during my healing and recovery there were times, I could not differentiate a good day from a bad day because I was always use to being depressed.

 I've suffered for so long with this illness, that when I finally began to get better, I could easily make the mistake of thinking a lazy, laid back day, as well as procrastination, were symptoms of depression. Now that I have a better sense of self awareness, I have found that many times it was not.

For me to be able to tell the difference, it helps to be aware of  how long these laid back days or what ever you which to call them last. As well as how high or low my levels of procrastination, interaction with others, feelings of emptiness, intrusive thoughts and crying bouts are. And those are just to name a few.

Do you have days when you question whether or not you may be falling into a depression or are feeling depressed?

How do you differentiate your feelings and emotions from what is or isn't?

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The ones close to us - The ones who tear us down

   
I think it is a shame that those who are closest to us whom should lift our spirits, support our endeavor's, and make us feel like we can do anything, are sometimes the very ones who tear us down and many times, probably due to their own low self-esteem, they do this without even noticing that they are doing so.

But we are strong and we perservere eventually, doing the very thing's we thought, and those around told us, we  could not do.

Each and everyone us are amazing and have strength beyond belief, we must not ever let anyone make us feel as if we can't.

Because, we CAN!

Dealing with insomnia - Blogging, emotional wellness

Recently, I have experienced several bouts of insomnia as well as many changes occurring in my life. As a result, it seems like it may have taken an emotional toll on me and for some reason I can't seem to bring myself to do the many things that I usually enjoyed doing, such as blogging.

This has been the longest that I have gone without posting, and it is beginning to bother me, but I guess I have to let it run its course. 

In the meantime, I am trying my best to catch up on some sleep and working hard on staying emotionally well.

Have you suffered from insomnia? If so, how have you coped?

Also, have you experienced long periods of disinterest in the things you normally enjoy doing?

Jodi Arias case - What I believe and why. Domestic violence -Batteredwoman syndrome.

I have been following the Jodi Arias case closely these past couple of days, for those of you who are not familiar with it, the case involves a young woman accused of brutally killing her long time on and off again boyfriend Travis Alexander back in 2008. She is currently on trial and faces the death penalty if convicted. The focus of this case has been primarily the intense dysfunctional, abusive and sexual relationship the couple had and how Mr. Alexander was so obsessed with sex as well as verbally and physically abusive toward Jodi, that eventually it led Jodi to kill him. The defense team's main focus is to prove that Jodi was suffering from battered women syndrome, low self esteem and an array of other conditions, derived from the abuse she endured during the relationship. The prosecutions main focus is to prove that Ms. Arias was a willing participant in the sexual activities which included role playing and sexual humiliation, to name a few, also that she was manipulative, and she is using the battered woman syndrome as a way to get a lesser sentence. Prosecution also want to prove her actions in murdering Travis were premeditated. Jodi's attorney's want to convince the jury that she participated in these sexual acts and endured the abuse because not only does she have a history of abuse and neglect in the relationship with Travis, but she also has a history of abuse well before the relationship. The defense wants to convey to the jury that her need to please Travis is one of many behaviors that most women with a history of abuse display, which is why Jodi appeared as if she was a willing participant, due to the symptoms associated with the syndrome. While I do not condone murder under any circumstance, I do however believe, from the testimony I have heard so far, that Jodi was and is suffering from many symptoms related to battered woman syndrome. I believe she felt emotionally stuck in the relationship and probably, many times, desperately wanted out, but did not get the proper help to do so in a healthy manner. Although, in the tapes presented in court she sounds like a willing participant, I believe mentally and emotionally she was not. I believe she would have said and done anything to make Travis want her and find her appealing. My opinion, of course. Why do I believe this? For many reasons, but I will share one with you for now. I have a friend, I will call her Beth, My friend was in a similar relationship that nearly destroyed her life. While she never contemplated murdering or hurting her than boyfriend. She did however suffer immensely, consistently doing things for him sexually that she did not enjoy just to please him, she also behaved as if she enjoyed them, when she did not. I recall one particular incident when she went out looking for him in the middle of the night, when just the day before he had pushed her to the floor. Frankly, I couldn't understand her behavior, and at one point I contemplated breaking off our friendship, because I simply couldn't grasp why she kept looking for him. Beth would do and say almost anything for the fear of losing him and to keep him happy, she would cook his favorite meals, where outfits he favored, go where he wanted, speak and sound as she thought he would like, etc. Eventually, physical and verbal abuse came into play. As her friend I tried desperately to talk with her and convince her to leave him, sometimes she would, but only for short periods of time, she would tell me he was like a drug and no matter how much she tried to stay away she couldn't, either she went looking for him or he for her. There were times she felt like it was love, but it was clear, that it was not. This relationship brought Beth to her Knees and for the first time ever she volunteered to get hospitalized in a mental health facility. Eventually, my friend Beth found a 12 step program called love addicts. Today she is free from this relationship and is a better person emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of my friend, there was a time she was so consumed in that relationship that I did not know who she was. At one point I remember asking her, "who are you?" she just cried, because not even she, knew who she was anymore. Beth is back, and I am ever so proud of her. I spoke with her the other day and she sounds like the Beth I met and knew way before that horrid experience of that relationship. Going back to the Jodi Arias case, again I do not condone the horrific acts she committed nor support them in any way. However, I do believe she was and is a victim, who unfortunately never got the right help to pshycologically heal and learn how to have healthy relationships. Domestic violence is a two way street. Men also suffer from physical, verbal, emotional and mental abuse. Another one of my beliefs, is that the issue of abuse on men is quite often over looked and should be discussed more often, as well as there being more preventive education and help accessible for the victims. For more information on the subjects discussed, I provided links below. Safe horizon Mental/domestic violence, signs Love addicts Help for abused men Domestic abuse helpline What is your take on the Jodi Arias case? Have you ever been or know someone who has been in an abusive relationship physical, verbally or emotional?

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I dare - A poem of belief, courage and strength.

I dare keep dreaming,
although inside I feel a hollow.

I dare keep hoping,
despite the pain and sorrow.

My heart goes sinking, beneath the soiling dirt, I dare keep loving and moving past the hurt.

Behind the dark shadows, I see bright colors gleaming. They light my path of struggles, it helps keep me believing.

And in my fight, I dare be bold, I dare stand tall and give my all.

I dare keep moving and climbing the tallest towers, I know that they'll be someday, I'll dance in big bright sunshowers.


Note: If you are having a hard time, Don't stop daring. Keep hope alive, and if you grow weary and tired, dare to find the courage to keep moving forward.

Together we can!

Staying strong and forgiving myself

Hi all! I have been hanging in strong since my last post, facing life and all the changes that come with it in a more positive way, I am learning to leave the past, exactly there, in the past, I've have learned much from it, but will no longer dwell in what was. I am forgiving myself for my mistakes and keeping in mind that they do not define who I am today, or my future. Once again, I am trying to take things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at at time, not looking back, nor ahead, but staying in the now and being grateful for everything I have right now, my health, family, home, the sun, rain and yes, even the freezing weather we are having here in NY.

As I mentioned there are some changes coming into my life in the near future, I certainly will be sharing it with you my friends as they unravel, but for now my main objective is to continue to stay strong, take care of my mental health and well being.

I would like to say thank you to all the supportive and encouraging comments from my readers. I have been fortunate to come across some more wonderful blogs since my last post, in these blogs I read some post's that helped me feel better and lift my spirit's. I posted some of the links below so that when you get a chance you can visit them.

Thanks a bunch!

See you soon :-))

http://keithawynn2011.blogspot.com/

http://klahanie.blogspot.com/

http://mishatakescharge.blogspot.com/

http://bringingalongocd.blogspot.com/

http://shelleysallofmeblog.wordpress.com/

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Random thoughts - emotional pain, unbalanced

These past few day's I've had many thoughts go through my mind. Some made sense, other's did not. Some were contradicting and other's, plain gibberish. Either way, after thinking and feeling, I entered them in my phone's note pad, with consideration of sharing them on twitter. I decided to share them in a post on here instead.

This is a copy paste from my note pad, no energy right now to proof read and I might be adding more thoughts as they come along, as a way to release some of the mental stress.

Random thoughts

In grieving the loss of how I expected things to be. I now need to embrace the present with love, strength and hope.

Would like to tell you my days are filled with endless serenity, all wonderful all the time. It's work, some days good, others not.

I still struggle with depression. But it has become less and I am grateful for that.

I feel like my whole life has been placed in the back burner because of the past decisions I've made.

Sometimes I don't think its so much that I should stay and think positive, I feel that often positive thoughts are really a cover up, or a way to evade the negative/poor choices I have made and therefore, am currently suffering the consequences. So now, I look for the positive in order to help me deal with the negative that I actually brought upon myself.

My need to take responsibility for whats happening with out beating myself up. I just don't know if I am doing it the right way.

I think for me it has become more than a question of positive or negative thinking, but more of logic. Or is this a whole lot of logical crap to push away positive thoughts?

Not proud of myself, today I was emotionally unstabled and am ashamed of it too. I'ts been a long time since I have screamed, cried and screamed somemore in mental anguish and pain. I'm so exhausted.

I Don't know which doctor to call gyn or phsyco therapist, feel hormonally imbalanced, maybe I'll call them both.

"I don't want to get bitter, I want to get better." This stuck with me today from a quote By who? I don't know.

I am beginning to believe more and more in the in the rainbow after the thunder storm. When at the bottom only other way is up, that's something to look forward to. Eventually, the dynamics of circumstances do change.

Scared of change - Anxiety about the future

Hello to all my wonderful readers on this New years eve, 2012. First, I want to start of by saying you mean so much to me, your support has helped me get through a lot this past year, and from the bottom of my heart I want you to know I am sincerely grateful for your friendship.

Lately, I've been thinking plenty of all the possible changes that I am going to face this coming year. I find myself pushing those thoughts away, which leave me depressed and exausted. Especially since I feel them lingering in the back of my mind and I am just trying to avoid them by not doing much, but replacing them with other thoughts, which just makes my thought process scrambled, followed by moments of my mind going blank.

I wouldn't say the changes are nessecarrily going to be bad, they are actually positive, but sometimes feel bad because they are going to require a lot of work and adjusting.

Just writing about it, is beginning to cause me anxiety. So of course, my immediate response is to stop writing this post, that way I won't have to think about these changes, but I also know that sharing my feelings have always helped me deal with them appropriately.

Ah, big sigh here. Why is dealing with life on life terms and all the changes that come with it, so darn hard for me to handle? :-(

My advice to others when feeling this way, is telling them to have faith, turn thier fears and concerns over to a higher power, take it one day at a time, not to project about the future and try to stay in the now and let things take it's course. But, for goodness sake ( I giggle as I write the next line) I can't even take my own advice right now. Perhaps, after seeing it in my own print I will. That is often the theraputic benefit of writing and sharing with others.

I take a lot of pride in sharing my truth with my readers. In letting YOU know that I have overcome many things, and with applying yourself, persistence, belief and hope you can too.

Part of that truth for me, is not only talking the talk, but also walking the walk. How can I do that if I am not honest? And in all Honesty, I'm holding back tears right now, I am really scared.

"It's okay to be scared" As I write, and you read this post, I am reminding us of that, and I don't feel so alone.

I wish you all a Happy and Healthy New Year!!

May your dreams come true, and may love and compassion always stay in your heart.

Sitting at the edge of my bed. Mental illness - My experience

I can still remember sitting at the edge of my bed. Unable to move or even return back to what was my usual fetal position in those days. With tears streaming down my eyes, I couldn't understand the emotions or the hollowness inside my immobolized body. The emotional pain was unbearable, damaging every piece of me both inside and out.

I couldn't make sense of it and never thought I would ever feel any different. I mean, how on earth does someone get out of an inner state of torture, that they have no control over and feels so much bigger than them?

I recall a prayer I would say in the mist of the darkness ( my depression.) "God I promise you, that if you help me out of this darkness, I will help those who are suffering like I am now." In the middle of my own despair, I somehow knew that no one should have to endure such pain.

Eventually, I reached out for help. First, by telling a friend, second by seeing a mental health proffesional and third, by educating myself and learning about my illness. I can not say it was or is an easy process, but it is one that I am glad I took action in and continue to do so.

This blog and some of my other social networks is one of the ways I am keeping my promise to my answered prayers. And of course, it is also helping me continue in my process of maintaing good mental health.

To learn more about mental illness and mental health resoures, please visit my resource page up above. Remember don't let anything or anyone stop you from reaching out for the help.

We are worthy and hope is alive in each and everyone of us!