Its about that time for me to do some serious sharing. Every now and then I feel that it is essential for me to just let things out and let things go as a way to start a new within me. Right now seems like a good time.
I feel lost on this Mothers Day. I have spent most of my life doing everything and anything possible so that my children could have all that they need, a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their back, gifts to open on Christmas mornings, gifts to unwrap on birthdays and much more. Mostly, what a caring, loving mother should do. But it seems like that was not enough.
I've hid my fingers, rearrange things as well as my life, so that my sons ocd would not worsen, but it has, through no fault of his own of course and treatments working temporarily, if at all. I've bowed my head in countless apologies with no fault of mine, so that my daughter would feel better about herself only to make myself feel worse.
I've lost many things along the way, including myself. Looking back, I think I did it this mother thing all wrong. Mostly because I was desperate single mom who lacked guidance and understanding.
Those who said being a mom doesn't come with a hand book are right.
Today, as much as I adore my children, I have to admit, I feel like I don't even know who I am. At least not at this moment.
In recent months I parted ways with my husband, lost my apartment and my dignity. But as they say, "there is good in everything." I'm grateful I can still find the good in my circumstances. One thing I do know is that I'm a strong cookie for holding on when most times I should have exploded.
You know that saying "You can't make others happy if you're not happy?" damn, I finally got that. It sure took a long time. Instead, I was doing it backwards, "I'm not happy, if I don't make everyone else around me happy first." Not!
Despite the downward spiral, I have managed to continue to fight for my mental health, my well being, as well as others along the way.
Yet, saying I'm tired would be putting lightly. I'm freaking exhausted, too much that I'm considering cancelling my plans for today. I need a Mother's Year, never mind a day.