Sunday, May 11, 2014

Loosing myself along the way - Who am I?

Its about that time for me to do some serious sharing. Every now and then I feel that it is essential for me to just let things out and let things go as a way to start a new within me. Right now seems like a good time.

I feel lost on this Mothers Day. I have spent most of my life doing everything and anything possible so that my children could have all that they need, a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their back, gifts to open on Christmas mornings, gifts to unwrap on birthdays and much more. Mostly, what a caring, loving mother should do. But it seems like that was not enough.

I've hid my fingers, rearrange things as well as my life, so that my sons ocd would not worsen, but it has, through no fault of his own of course and treatments working temporarily, if at all. I've bowed my head in countless apologies with no fault of mine, so that my daughter would feel better about herself only to make myself feel worse.

I've lost many things along the way, including myself.  Looking back, I think I did it this mother thing all wrong. Mostly because I was desperate single mom who lacked guidance and understanding.
Those who said being a mom doesn't come with a hand book are right.
Today, as much as I adore my children, I have to admit, I feel like I don't even know who I am. At least not at this moment.

In recent months I parted ways with my husband, lost my apartment and my dignity. But as they say, "there is good in everything." I'm grateful I can still find the good in my circumstances. One thing I do know is that I'm a  strong cookie for holding on when most times I should have exploded.

You know that saying "You can't make others happy if you're not happy?" damn, I finally got that. It sure took a long time. Instead, I was doing it backwards,  "I'm not happy, if I don't make everyone else around me happy first." Not!

Despite the downward spiral, I have managed to continue to fight for my mental health, my well being, as well as others along the way.

Yet, saying I'm tired would be putting lightly. I'm freaking exhausted, too much that I'm considering cancelling my plans for today. I need a Mother's Year, never mind a day.




8 comments:

  1. Damn, when it rains it pours. It is always something and no one is perfect. Have to keep on keepin on.

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    1. " Keep on keeping on " I like that Pat!

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  2. So sorry to hear of your ongoing battles but love your positive outlook going forward. I understand how hard it can be at times and how everything is just one big mess but please keep that smile. The sun will come up in the morning and there will be another day.

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    1. So sweet Ian. Thank you for your comment.:)

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  3. I love the perseverance I see in your words here, despite the battles and the tough road. Always know that your blogging family is here for you to always listen!

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  4. Oh I bet you didn't do the whole mother thing wrong! I feel like that too. I have most definitely made my share of mistakes, which if you read my recent post on parenting, you'll see that is true.

    We are our harshest critics, I sure hope you start feeling a bit better soon.

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    1. 71 I read your post on parenting and had a lot of identification with it. Yes, we are our harshest critics.

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