These past few day's I've had many thoughts go through my mind. Some made sense, other's did not. Some were contradicting and other's, plain gibberish. Either way, after thinking and feeling, I entered them in my phone's note pad, with consideration of sharing them on twitter. Instead I've decided to share them here.
This is a copy and paste from my note pad, no energy right now to proof read and I might be adding more thoughts as they come along, as a way to release some of the mental stress.
In grieving the loss of how I expected things to be. I now need to embrace the present with love, strength and hope.
Would like to tell you my days are filled with endless serenity, all wonderful all the time. It's work, some days good, others not.
I still struggle with depression. But it has become less and I am grateful for that.
I feel like my whole life has been placed in the back burner because of the past decisions I've made.
Sometimes I don't think its so much that I should stay and think positive, I feel that often positive thoughts are really a cover up, or a way to evade the negative/poor choices I have made and therefore, am currently suffering the consequences. So now, I look for the positive in order to help me deal with the negative that I actually brought upon myself.
My need to take responsibility for whats happening with out beating myself up. I just don't know if I am doing it the right way.
I think for me it has become more than a question of positive or negative thinking, but more of logic. Or is this a whole lot of logical crap to push away positive thoughts?
Not proud of myself, today I was emotionally unstabled and am ashamed of it too. I'ts been a long time since I have screamed, cried and screamed somemore in mental anguish and pain. I'm so exhausted.
I Don't know which doctor to call gyn or phsyco therapist, feel hormonally imbalanced, maybe I'll call them both.
"I don't want to get bitter, I want to get better." This stuck with me today from a quote By who? I don't know.
I am beginning to believe more and more in the in the rainbow after the thunder storm. When at the bottom only other way is up, that's something to look forward to. Eventually, the dynamics of circumstances do change.