Monday, January 14, 2013

Random thoughts - emotional pain, unbalanced


These past few day's I've had many thoughts go through my mind. Some made sense, other's did not. Some were contradicting and other's, plain gibberish.  Either way, after thinking and feeling, I entered them in my phone's note pad, with consideration of sharing them on twitter. Instead I've decided to share them here.

This is a copy and paste from my note pad, no energy right now to proof read and I might be adding more thoughts as they come along, as a way to release some of the mental stress.

Random thoughts

In grieving the loss of how I expected things to be. I now need to embrace the present with love, strength and hope.

Would like to tell you my days are filled with endless serenity, all wonderful all the time. It's work, some days good, others not.

I still struggle with depression. But it has become less and I am grateful for that.

I feel like my whole life has been placed in the back burner because of the past decisions I've made.

Sometimes I don't think its so much that I should stay and think positive, I feel that often positive thoughts are really a cover up, or a way to evade the negative/poor choices I have made and therefore, am currently suffering the consequences. So now, I look for the positive in order to help me deal with the negative that I actually brought upon myself.

My need to take responsibility for whats happening with out beating myself up. I just don't know if I am doing it the right way.

I think for me it has become more than a question of positive or negative thinking, but more of logic. Or is this a whole lot of logical crap to push away positive thoughts?

Not proud of myself, today I was emotionally unstabled and am ashamed of it too. I'ts been a long time since I have screamed, cried and screamed somemore in mental anguish and pain. I'm so exhausted.

I Don't know which doctor to call gyn or phsyco therapist, feel hormonally imbalanced, maybe I'll call them both.

"I don't want to get bitter, I want to get better." This stuck with me today from a quote By who? I don't know.

I am beginning to believe more and more in the in the rainbow after the thunder storm. When at the bottom only other way is up, that's something to look forward to. Eventually, the dynamics of circumstances do change.



30 comments:

  1. Madison, so much pain here mixed with hope. I feel for you, because I'm going through a troubled time, too, and I know how confusing it can be. I know what you mean by wanting to take responsibility for things without beating yourself up. It's a fine line sometimes.

    Take care of yourself--you deserve it!

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    1. Hi Tina, yes a lot of pain mixed in with hope, but I'm hanging in there bouncing back slowly. I sure hope you are feeling better.

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  2. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us Madison. I loved this about what you wrote: "I now need to embrace the present with love, strength and hope"...so true my friend.

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    1. Easier for me to say than do, I must be honest, but certainly can be done. The post you wrote on positive thinking helped me put some of my thought pattern into perspective. Funny, you get what you need when you need it. :) thanks!

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  3. I 100% know what you're talking about on a couple of these. I am right there with you.

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    1. Hi Karen, always helps to know others can relate. Thank you!

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  4. Dear Madison,

    No need to feel ashamed, dear lady. Firstly, you verbalised what you are experiencing. That in itself is cause for hope.

    You do know that your good days outnumber your bad days. You will have those times when such negative blips occur. I think it can be considered all part of the process as you try to somehow make sense of it all.

    Negative feelings, environments need to be confronted and the oxygen of them, we try to remove. So yes, you will continue to seek the positive in what seems to be the most negative of situations.

    Life isn't always the way we thought it would be. I had big dreams, big plans that were sabotaged by others and compounded by me. Still, I know I can work through any obstacles. There are the potholes along the road, but we climb out of them and move on.

    If you need those resources available to you, please don't hesitate to contact. Remember, you are unique, your are special, you are the expert on who you really are.

    In peace, goodwill and the gift of empathy, your way,

    Gary

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    1. "potholes along the road, but we climb out and move on" good reminder, Gary. So easy to forget when you are down deep in them, that they are obstacles which we can overcome. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  5. Nothing worse then feeling stuck with health crap, mental or physical. It can get better, and hopefully it does. I was ready for someone to take me out behind the barn and shoot me a few months ago, getting there ever so slow.

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    1. And better it shall. Glad you are getting there, Pat!

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  6. I actually believe that people should feel free in stating how they feel on a day to day basis, without having to cover up with positive thoughts that are not true. I'm definitely no expert but I can't imagine someone truly suffering from depression being cured within minutes with positive thoughts (not sure how else to explain what I mean here).

    It can take time, for someone to either feel better within themselves, or with medication, or by speaking to a therapist etc. I loved your honesty in this post of how you were feeling and I'm sure this will help many others who are feeling the same way.

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    1. I completely understand what you mean. I thank you for your kind and honest comment. :-)

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  7. Very cool blog. Interesting posts. ;)
    Nice atmosphere guests with you here on the blog. ;]
    Yours. Have a nice day. !

    Follow me on facebook fanpage
    I'm very concerned about this, please. :)
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-another-light/413836138693856

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. :-)

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  8. Hello! My name is Jonathan Hilton and I just came to your blog today. I think two things by reading this. First, we all go through tough times, my own bout with depression was devastating and certainly not anything I would wish on anyone else, but................and there is always a but isn't there? I have empathy and insights that I never would have had, and have experienced growth that never would have happened. Perhaps this is the positive thinking you are talking of. I really believe it though. So much so, that I am tentatively writing an answer on my blog today about positive thinking and that it really can help. You will have to decide if I convince you or not. If I can't finish it today then tomorrow! Thank you for all of the great thoughts. I look forward to reading more.
    Jonathan

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    1. Hi Jonathan, Yes! I have also inherited many positives along the way. Looking forward to reading your insight.

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  9. Madison, when I read this, I am actually excited for you.

    The reason why is this: I hit bottom too once. As a result, I realized I needed to change the way I lived my life and fought my way out.

    I think you're in the same place as me, so I think you might find some of my old blog posts useful. I suggest you start with my four part series about starting to take charge. Here's the first link, if you want to go check it out.

    http://mishatakescharge.blogspot.com/2012/10/starting-to-take-charge-of-your-life.html

    Please feel free to contact me if you want to chat with someone who's made it out. mishagericke(AT)gmail(DOT)com

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    1. Misha, I just had a glance at your post, I'm anxious to go back and start reading, but wanted to come back here and let you know. Thanks! So grateful:-)

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  10. Hi, just found your blog after your sweet comment on mine.

    Overcoming depression takes many baby steps, some forward, some back. A few years ago I went into a deep depression. I suddenly had an empty nest (raised 4), my parents both died after long and lengthy illnesses, and all my dreams had always been put last. I found that working on feeling gratitude for even the smallest things started to work. Little by little I realized you can't redo the past. You can only go forward, but with all the lessons learned from each experience. And you have to forgive. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. You have to forgive yourself and forgive others because we are all learning and growing at different rates towards the same goal. Acceptance. Be gentle with yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate who you are. You are exactly the person you were meant to be. Wiser, kinder, and yes, happier because you recognize that you are a survivor. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best friend. Nobody can love you more than you. These things worked for me. And yes, I still have bad days. But now those are the exception. I wish you all the best on your journey. xx

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    1. Karen, thank you for such a beautiful and uplifting comment. You made many wonderful points and gave me heartfelt advice, I am truly touched and inspired. :-)

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  11. I like this post a lot. Once a month for two weeks I fight with my hormones for control. I have been burdened all my life with depression. See "My Story" page on my blog for details: http://shelleysallofmeblog.wordpress.com/
    I decided to blog about seeking joy in each day in order to force myself to focus. It has helped once and the despair lasted only a short time instead of the full 2 weeks it had before.
    I really like your blog and I hope you can find a way to seek out just a tiny moment of joy in each day or every few days. I know how hard that can be when the dark clouds rest upon you. A wind will blow, the clouds will pass and the sun will shine upon you.

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    1. Hi Shelly, thank you for sharing some of your experience, your comment and encouraging words, I am truly grateful for them.

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  12. Very courageous of you to open yourself to your readers.
    Enjoyed reading.
    Thank you!

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    1. Thank you, I have learned that sometimes it is through courage that we are able to move forward. :-)

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  13. Hello. I was just wondering if you ever kept a gratitude journal. One of the things that I have found recently, is that you can never fully enjoy where you are in life, without first appreciating where you are in life. I also struggle with depression and I believe the idea of a gratitude journal helps me to obtain some level of balance in my life.

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  14. I can relate to some of your tweets. Positive words do not always help during painful and regretful moments. Sometimes what can help us feel better is someone to talk to and someone who is willing to listen to your emotion. Stay strong and don't let depression takes control.

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  15. Hi Zunner, I agree with you. So nice to see you, thank you.

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