Thursday, September 13, 2012

A visit to the land of nothingness and my safe return - Mental Illness a thief of simple pleasures

A couple of nights ago I experienced a real tough depressive episode. Today I am beginning to feel like myself again. The exhaustion of it all is lifting and I had a good nights rest last night.

I haven't crashed quite like that in a long time. So the whole experience was debilitating.

The depression really seaped in, numbed me and scrambled my thoughts till there were no thoughts at all, and I just stared into nothingness.

I had to utilize my coping skills immediatley, It was scary and as I layed there I commenced to use any bit of brain I could to talk myself out of it. " Please, Madison come out of this, don't let it get ya."

It was something much bigger than I, like an entity. I would push forward using positive affirmation and redirection, and it would push back with massive force.

But, I didn't give up or give in. I accepted the moment for what it was, a period of deep depression, triggered by a group of circumstances that occured. I reminded myself that I am strong and will get through it, like I have in the past.

I took deep breaths, prayed for the will and strength to deal with the feelings. Mustered up any energy I had in me to go on a short walk for fresh air, and relieve the feelings of suffucation.

Being only minimally relieved, I knew I was not ready to try and sleep, that would only cause me to regress, and so I engaged on a task that would continue to help me push the eariness away. I started to do the dishes and clean the kitchen until my body began to feel like mine again, when I felt ready, I tuned into a funny sitcom on T.V. and fell asleep.

I woke up feeling pretty exhausted, physically and mentally drained.

The whole process of redirecting my thoughts to a more positive state of mind along with appplying my coping skills, has not always been easy.

It has been hard work, which involves me using a combination of methods through out the years including psychotherapy, to help me successfully cope with such episodes.

I say "successfully" because in comparison to years ago when depression would leave me immobilized, locked in a dungeon of despair for days and weeks at a time well, clearly I can say I now successfully cope.

I give myself a big applaude!

Every bout of depression, every anxiety/panic attack no matter how far and in between is a reminder of how horrid mental illness is and how it can easily rob you of the simplest pleasures of life.

So yes, I believe an applaud for myself is in order. :)


  1. Hi Madison,
    Yes, it's me, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star! I know that I'm a 'pawsitive' distraction for the humans I so kindly allow to live with me.
    Despite your recent depressive episode, the encouraging part is that you are not giving such a depressive bout permission to overwhelm your life. Indeed, depression, permission has been denied!
    I understand that you are using many coping strategies and I like to think, along with finding the determination and resilience to post, that you will know you have ongoing support and empawthy, sorry, empathy from this lovable dog and from my human and all those who cheer you on.
    I applaud you with my paws. Did you hear that?
    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses, Penny xx

  2. Yes, indeed, you deserve applause! Good for you for using your coping skills to help you get through the episode. It takes so much sheer willpower and guts to do it sometimes, so kudos to you. And I'm glad you're feeling better!

  3. Gary, thank you and Penny for cheering me on and your applause!

  4. Tina, your support is appreciated more than you know. :)

  5. And we applaud you too! Glad you got through this episode.

  6. Hugs to you! You did really great by coping. I am glad you got through this episode.

    1. Aubzie, thank you! I appreciate your visit and comment.

  7. It is always so scary to have a reoccurring episode. I have OCD and it waxed and wanes, when it does flare up I have to remind myself, like you, that I am strong and get through to other side. I found your blog through Sunny's and look forward to reading more.

  8. Hi Krystal, so glad you found my blog.:) I really appreciate your comment.


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