I am having days this month when it is hitting me like a ton of F*#%N bricks! Not even quite sure if I should keep writing, feeling both angry and sad right about now, can’t organize my thoughts on this topic, but I will continue anyway.
One year ago I took my dad to the ER and right there and then I was told he had advanced esophageal cancer, two months later on Labor Day he was gone. Not only did the news come as a complete shock as news like this usually does, but it was also horrible watching him die and take his last breath. Anyhow, I have these moments, especially on this month of June, where I have been thinking about it more often than in the past months, and it is so damn painful, during these times I want to scream, but I redirect my thoughts so that I don’t scream and I stop thinking of him taking his last breath. I have this hole in my heart since he’s been gone. It’s going on a year since he passed away, isn’t this supposed to get better?
He was such a good man and a good father to me, kind, loving, quick to help out a person in need even if he did not have much himself, everyone who met him instantly liked him, even on his worst day or mood he would give you a warm smile. My therapist told me a few months ago that not only am I grieving his death but also his life. My dad suffered from depression and anxiety on a daily basis and never got treatment for it, no matter how much I tried to convince him to do so and It causes me a lot of emotional pain to know that not only did he suffer on earth from the turmoil, loneliness and isolation that often accompanies depression and anxiety, but he also suffered while dying, that for me is not easy to think about.
I really hope he knew how much I loved him; I hope he knew I cared. So many times I wanted to be there more for him, but I was also suffering from the same symptoms and needed to take care of myself. Regardless of the illness’s he had, he was always so strong, he endured so much in his lifetime, to me he was a fighter, so watching him fight a battle he couldn’t win was and is hard to accept.
Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process; I’ve heard it say there is no time limit on how long you are supposed to grieve or how. Maybe I need to talk about this more, write about it, cry and let it out or, maybe I don’t need to think about doing neither of those things and just continue to take it as it comes. I miss him, I miss him dearly.