Recently, I felt the sun on my skin, I mean; I actually felt it, not just physically but, with my heart and mind. I felt the warmth, the rays, and the glow, it felt amazing and I loved it.
You may be asking yourself “how can that be?" And that certainly is a good question, not hard to see that the statement above seems a bit confusing and far-fetched But, I know no other way to express it other than this way.
For me, for so long, I mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically avoided it. To me a spring or even a winter’s sun shiny day meant I might have to face the light relentlessly. It also meant lying when others would declare "what a beautiful day” and I would say “it sure is,” while I was sinking in the depths of despair.
In my mind the sun represented happiness, love, peace and freedom, and I had none, because that is what being in a clinical depression is like for me, it is sadness, hate, a war within and a prisoner of my mind. Anything that I thought symbolized warmth or goodness I just couldn't seem to relate too. Especially, the sun with its bright disposition, I was the enemy, I was the dark cloud.
Give me rain, haze, cloudy skies and thunderstorms those were my comfort zones, the perfect weather to not seem like a recluse and isolate comfortably.
So, going back to my recent experience, it was simply "serenity under the sun," that is what I'll call it and it meant something entirely different to me this time. It meant recovery, I was healing.