The right way or wrong way to mourn, I don’t know. I just know I miss him so very much.
Okay, this experience really sucks. I gather there is no right or wrong way to mourn, but I can tell you the pain of missing my dad and knowing that I will never seem him again is terrible. Especially at night and during idle time, it seems worst, the thoughts of wanting to hear is voice again, of thinking if indeed he really knew just how much I love him.
I must admit there are times, especially during the day where I dodge the thoughts of dad because I am too afraid of the sadness, and the hollow feeling inside, so it is business as usual, I get things done and take care of my responsibilities and mark off my to do list one by one.
Sometimes, I even think that if I do not think of my dad, it would be as if it never really happened, that’s no good; I even know that, but maybe I am just not ready, but when do you know when you are ready, and what about the acceptance process? Accept what? I do know he is gone, and that he is in peace out of his suffering from the cancer and in a better place.
At night seems like the best time to let it out, when everyone’s asleep, like last night I cried and cried and I silently told my dad how much I love him and miss him, than I fell asleep with an ache in my heart.
I have not seen my therapist in a long while, truthfully because before my dad passed away, I had been feeling pretty good and most of the work I had done with her was paying off. But, I gave her a call during the week, and although she said that most of the feelings I am feeling are normal during this time, I still made an appointment to visit her and chat in person, it sure won’t hurt, and it can only help.
Through all this, I stand by the fact that talking and sharing about your feelings and emotions will help you heal and keep you further away from falling into a deep depression, which is part of the reason I am writing about it, calling friends and seeing my therapist. I will be sure to write a post on my visit with her.
In the meantime and always, I will have my dad close to my heart and keep praying for dreams of his beautiful smile and his words telling me “I know you love me, and I love you too.”